Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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