So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize