he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
