I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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