She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
