4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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