he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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