I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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