I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
