You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
