Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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