woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
