dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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