how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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