so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
