now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
