I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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