i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
