The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
