If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
