My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
