So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
