I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
did you just send me my own nude
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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