i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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