this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
