someone owes me an orgasm
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
You took a bar mat shot.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
