Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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