I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
