Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
