We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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