on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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