If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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