I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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