Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
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