My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
