What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
