Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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