DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
