At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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