I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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