im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
