I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
