Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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