I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can't turn off my feet"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
