Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
