I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Randomize
