By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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