We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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