I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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