Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
