So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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