Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
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Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
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Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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