my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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