It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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