the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
