my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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