I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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