you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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