i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
