The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
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We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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