I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
